Tammy Salo

Traveling over ground and imagination

Tammy Salo - Traveling over ground and imagination

When the fat Comes Back

The past couple of months, since giving up dieting, I’ve been reading Go Kaleo’s blog and have joined the Eating the Food Facebook Group (awesome support there!). I’ve also read Matt Stone’s books Eat for Heat and Diet Recovery 2 as well as Amber’s Taking up Space. Slowly, I’ve replaced all of the blogs/books I used to read about calorie restriction and the latest/greatest diet with items that promote healthy living and loving the body you have now, not the body you’re longing to have.

I’m struggling a bit though. I’ve gained weight. I went from a 55lb loss to a 33lb loss, which is still a loss but…sigh…22lbs? I “think” my scale has stopped moving up but I’m trying not to weigh myself too much because I’m afraid of what the number will be. There are plenty of other people in my camp and the common response is “be patient. Just keep going and you’ll start losing again”. Shoot, look at Amber’s results and that should speak for itself. However, on the same foot, people have laughed at others who just kept going with Paleo thinking it would eventually work for them. So, that little voice in my head starts saying “what if they’re wrong? What if they’re just saying that because that’s what they ALL say?”

I’m really trying my best not to flip out and start dropping my calories again. My metabolism is shot. I know this. I’ve been perpetually dieting since my mom made me do Weight Watchers with her when I was 11. I’m not faulting my mom, not at all. She did what she felt was right, but it also started an unhealthy view of food from then on.

When I started the re-feeding I ate whatever my body craved. What did it crave? Chocolate, candy, cake, greasy burgers, and chocolate…did I mention chocolate? So, I let myself eat it. Before, I would buy a bag of almond M&Ms. Not the small personal size but the big mama jama bag. I’d eat the whole bag in one sitting while Mike was gone or while I was at work in my office then I’d hide the evidence. I did a lot of “closet” eating like that. On my 30th day sugar free, I ate cookies, cake, and candy because I had reached my goal of 30 days and could enjoy a “little bit” now. Eating disorder? Pfft…no, I didn’t have an eating disorder. I was still fat. People with EDs are thin and make themselves either starve or throw up. That definitely was NOT me. Then again, that’s what anyone with an ED would say, isn’t it? I may not have been anorexic or bulimic but I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food.

I still have some days where I eat a lot of sugar, but I also have quite a few days where I think “oh, I can get a candy bar at lunch and be done with it by the time I get back to the office and no one will know” but then don’t do it because I don’t really want to eat it. It’s just the ED rearing its ugly head again. I recognize this now. And while it’s extremely embarrassing for me to admit I hid food, I know I’m not alone. I also understand that sugar, starch, salt, and fat help to repair a destroyed metabolism so it’s not any shock that I would be craving some of the foods I’m craving.

However, I’m still scared to death. What if all of this won’t work for me like it did for some of the others? As some people have said I am not a “special snowflake”. Tammy’s body works the same as most every one else’s. So, I just have to trust in the process and keep on keeping on.

One of the measurements for metabolism health is body temperature. If you’re below 98 degrees, then you need to do more work on your system. Also, after you eat a “warm” meal (meaning it raises the core temperature and repairs the metabolism) you should feel it. I have yet to feel that warming sensation. However, I am learning to identify certain things my body is trying to tell me. For instance, my “I’m satiated” signal is very very quiet but it is there. If I eat slow enough and listen I can identify that and stop eating. This typically happens well before I finish my entire meal. There are days though that I don’t hear it or the taste of the food is so “loud” that it overpowers that signal and I eat until I’m bursting at the seams. I know this now and with knowledge comes power. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to post unflattering pictures here, but I will do my best to keep track of my progress.

All of that being said, and that’s quite a bit so thank you for still reading!, I am able to lift weights and can feel myself getting stronger every day. My running on the other hand has suffered because I just haven’t done it in a month. That’s ok though. My body needed a break from it so I gave it to her.

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Junk Drawers

I’ve slowly been trying to clear out the junk in my house. There is so much clutter (albeit better) that the house just doesn’t feel comfortable to me. After seeing how much stuff my Dad, Aunt, and Uncles had to clear out of Grandma’s house (and she didn’t have a lot by most standards) it made me think even more. Would I want someone to have to clear out all the junk in my house if I passed suddenly? No, I wouldn’t want them to have to concern themselves with all of it.

I’ve decided to get back to trying to minimalize my house. I don’t regret getting rid of some of my sentimental items but it was definitely bittersweet. It’s tough because it’s not just my stuff, but “our” stuff. Some things I may want to get rid of Mike may not want to. However, I’m going to do my best! I am going to go through my DVDs and get rid of any I haven’t watched in the last year or two (which is quite a bit!), donate more clothes, get rid of my excess dishes, clear out the nicknacks, get rid of the CDs I’ve uploaded to my computer, and just get rid of stuff I’ve held on to for so long but haven’t utilized for any reason. My wedding dress is still hanging in my closet, but I’m going to eventually cut it up and make a quilt out of it!

My biggest hurdle will be going through the stuff Dad gave me that was Grandma’s. She left me all of her crocheting items. I don’t really crochet, but I have tried. However, I know how important it was to her and I’m honored she wanted me to have it. I also have my Mom’s wedding china. She gave it to me and I’d like to keep one place setting to put on display instead of leaving it all in a big Tupperware box. I can give the rest to my Brother, but I’m not sure how Mom would feel about that!

Speaking of nostalgia, I’ll sign off with the best Star Wars picture…evah!

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When Life Becomes a Runaway Train

Life has been a bit crazy lately. I felt like a bug thrown into the toilet and flushed. Lovely image, huh?! The day Mike and I finished the Muddy Trails race I called my parents to let them know how it went when my Dad told me my Grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal but gave me her room number and said to call before I went to visit just in case they had already sent her home. The next day, Sunday, I did some running around and was going to call to see if she was up for visitors. My phone rang and it was my Dad. He told me that Grandma had been moved from the hospital she was in to the Downtown Methodist Hospital. It turned out she didn’t have pneumonia but congestive heart failure.

Again, he said she sounded fine and was in good spirits. The doctors were going to give her some meds to hopefully help. I didn’t feel like driving all the way downtown (I do not like driving downtown, especially in the medical center area) so I figured since I had the next Friday off I’d swing by and visit with her then.

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Monday she started having some issues with her kidneys not functioning correctly, but again it didn’t seem to be any reason to worry. The doctor’s felt they could help get them functioning well enough without too much trouble. She was pretty stable on Tuesday and my Dad said she still sounded good on the phone but they were still having some issues with the kidneys.

Wednesday, she entered what the doctors called an “altered mental state”. Basically, she became non-responsive as if she were in a coma. They had to put her on a breathing tube. My Dad bought a plane ticket to come in Friday so he could be with her and help if need be. I told him I’d be happy to pick him up and we’d go to the hospital together. This isn’t the first time we’ve been through something similar to this, but she’s a tough cookie and has pushed through several times!

Thursday morning she came to and was ticked off to be on a breathing tube. Grandma was back and feisty as ever! The doctors had decided to start her on dialysis because her kidneys weren’t working well enough to remove the fluid from around her heart and her liver was starting to have issues. Her blood pressure was extremely low so they were going to do it as slowly as possible so her system wasn’t stressed anymore than necessary.

Thursday at 5PM, I got a call from Mom telling me that Grandma had passed away. She hadn’t told Dad yet (This is my Dad’s Mom) because he was doing yard work outside and she had just gotten the phone call. The only thing I could think was “but we’re supposed to go see her tomorrow”. Mom said she was going to try to get a plane ticket and fly in with Dad.

So, Friday morning instead of visiting with my Grandma I picked my parents up from the airport and we met everyone at my Aunt Sharon’s house. From there we went to pick out the coffin and meet with the funeral home to set up the final arrangements. It didn’t really sink in that she was gone, even though we were talking about her funeral. It didn’t hit until her funeral the following Monday. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel quite real. She was my last grandparent. In the past 4 years, we’ve lost 6 people.  My Aunt Gertrude, my Uncle Rudolph, my Uncle Richard, my Grandpa (my Dad’s Dad), my cousin Karen and now my Grandma.

The service was beautiful and it was great to be around all the love of my family. My brother drove in with the boys so I got to see my him and my nephews, which is always nice! However, since then I’ve just kinda been floating around in a fog. I’ve exercised off and on, I haven’t been consistent at all. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. However, it’s time to get back to it! I am blessed to be in good health so I need to take advantage of that and keep moving/improving the best I can. The last thing I want is to be a burden on Mike when I’m older and one way to try to avoid that is taking care of myself now.

This next weekend I have a race in Fredricksburg with my friend Amy and I can’t wait! I haven’t been running since my Muddy Trails race, but that’s ok. This “race” is more about enjoying the flowers as it winds through a wildflower farm and spending time with a dear friend!

Muddy Trails 10K 2013, The Woodlands, TX.

Happy five years of Muddy Trailing it! This was my first race (2008) I ever participated in (5K) and I can honestly say one of the more challenging races. Mike has been doing the 10K while I do the 5K (2009, 2010, 2012). This year I decided I was going to do the 10K because I had yet to do an actual 10K race. I have done plenty of 5Ks, a 5 miler, a 10 miler, a couple of 1/2 marathons, and a marathon relay but no 10K!

I decided this year that I didn’t want to carry my phone/camera with me so I only have a shot of Mike and I at the end of the race. Sorry guys! Last year they had an issue with the shuttles that were supposedly fixed this year, however we saw a lot of people walking again and the line for the shuttle was long so Mike and I walked from the parking area to the race site (1.5 miles). We got there just as the kids were finishing their fun run and the 5K race was going to start. Thankfully, I had time to cool off a little bit in the shade before starting the run.

At 4:05 they put us all in the corrals so we’d be ready to go at 4:15. However, someone in the 5K group took a wrong turn, which means a lot of lemmings took it too, so we were postponed until about 4:30 so the 5Kers could clear out. Finally, the buzzer sounded and we were off. I had two ladies behind me from the beginning and passed a woman on the first loop. Since it had been raining this week the dust wasn’t as bad as it typically is; However, the ground was quite soft in some areas. The last time I had run was about a week before the race and boy could I feel it.

I felt like I was running the race on my own for most of the time since I couldn’t see anyone in front of me nor the people behind me. I would see the other racers when we were on an out and back portion because they were coming back while I was still going out! I ran into two of my running buddies from my group this last fall. That was pretty cool! I was hoping I would NOT see Mike here because if I did that meant I had a looonnnng way to go still. Mike is about twice as fast as I am. I also happened to see the woman I passed at the beginning of the race. I know she didn’t pass me again, so apparently she decided to take a short cut. Oh well, her loss.

My legs were so heavy on this run and the sand/roots were not my friend. I almost face planted a couple of times but thankfully I recovered and no one was there to see it! No witnesses means it didn’t happen…except I’ve already told y’all! Usually Mike comes back to find me and finish the race with me when he’s done but I was getting close to the end and had yet to see him.

I finally got to the paved portion which meant a little over a quarter mile and I was finished! There was Mike, walking toward me. He had apparently gone back to find me but the woman at the aid station said there were only 2 people left in the race and my bib number wasn’t one of them. Not sure who he talked to or when, but I was still there…pushing along!

As I came up on the finish line a lot of the people eating crawfish were cheering me on, which was nice but at the same time I have this voice in the back of my head saying “awww…let’s cheer on the slow poke, she definitely needs it”. Donna and Patty (my running buddies) were there to high five me on my way in too. All in all, for being tired and ready to stop I was actually in a pretty good mood at the end! It took me 1:41: 52, which was a 16:26 minute mile but that’s ok. I was doing a lot of ups and downs on the trail. Just for comparison, I finished my marathon relay portion in 1:28 (6.25 miles) which was roughly the same distance but was flat!

I plopped down on the grass for a little bit just to catch my breath then decided it was time to go. We couldn’t find where the shuttle was picking people up from and I really didn’t want to stop for too long otherwise I’d get stiff so Mike and I walked back to our car (another 1.5 miles!). By the end of the day I’d gone 9 miles!

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We went to Panera Bread where I treated myself with a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, and a fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie! I don’t know if I’ll do this race again next year since my friend Amy wants me to do the Hero run and I don’t know if it will be the same day again…but we’ll see!

One thing that stands out to me, this is my 5th year of races! That is awesome! I would NEVER have thought I’d run races let alone doing them consistently for 5 years. I feel like a badass!

When did thin=healthy?

As I mentioned on my facebook page today, most everyone on here knows I’ve struggled with my weight for years…decades. I’ve always thought “if I can just get down to 160, I’ll be happy” like it was a guarantee. What I’ve learned over the years of altering my diet/s and pushing myself to workout because that’s what I’m supposed to do is that it doesn’t really work. I’m not much smaller than I was last year. In fact, I’ve gained a couple of pounds. I typically don’t discuss weight loss with anyone unless they bring it up because it is a very personal and touchy subject. After reading several books, articles, and blog posts with competing ideas, it’s obvious none of us really have the key to weight loss. But…maybe that’s the problem.

We’re so focused on weight loss that we forego health in order to reach an ideal number. I’m tired. I’m tired of stressing over it. I’m tired of feeling like a failure because the scale hasn’t budged. So, I quit. I’m no longer going to worry about losing weight but rather focus on being healthy. Would I like to be smaller? Sure…I think I would look better smaller, but that’s totally a because of vanity! If I’m healthy, I should be able to do the things I want to do REGARDLESS of my size. I will continue to exercise/workout in a way that brings me happiness or peace of mind, not because I ate a donut that I need to burn off. I will also continue to try to make better food choices because that will lead to a healthier me. If, in the process, I lose some fat, great! I’ll take it. But I will not let my size/weight/arbitrary number on the BMI scale determine my mood for the day or my self worth. Right now, at this point in time, at my current size, I am a enough/worthy/valuable/loved.

I want to be strong and proud of what I can accomplish with my body. My body should be appreciated by me instead of constantly belittled. I’ve gotten better over time of stopping the negative self talk, but it’s still there. Until I can treat myself the way I would treat a dear friend, I’m missing the point.